I will vis­it Hong kong this month and would be hap­py to admin­is­ter a spank­ing or caning.

Please con­tact me for details.

Michaelís Christ­mas Sto­ry ñ Pt. 1

ëTwas the week before Christ­mas, when all through the house not a crea­ture was stir­ring, not even a mouse.† But Mrs. San­ta Claus was read­ing the riot act.

In fact, it was­nít Mrs. San­ta Claus; it was­nít a twin­kling eyed old lady for the old San­ta Claus cot­tage indus­try had mod­ern­ized to take account of the growth of pop­u­la­tion and the relat­ed mod­ern developments.

Nowa­days it real­ly is a big busi­ness with prop­er pro­fes­sion­al man­age­ment, though at the same time, retain­ing the mag­ic of Christmas.

The chief exec­u­tive (Mrs. San­ta Claus) was, in fact Ms. Elke Claus­son, an MBA grad­u­ate of the Trond­heim ÿkonomiske H¯gskole, the lead­ing busi­ness school Arc­tic Industries.

The Christ­mas enter­prise had moved to north­ern Nor­way from the North Pole some years ear­li­er in order to be clos­er to the main cen­ters of pro­duc­tion and the lead­ing Christ­mas elf and fairy train­ing schools.

Miss Claus­son had tak­en over as CEO only in July fol­low­ing the res­ig­na­tion in dis­grace of the pri­or incum­bent, a Mr. Skole-Trusers­son.† She had been faced with a major task of restruc­tur­ing and reor­ga­ni­za­tion fol­low­ing years of neglect of the operation.

A major task had been the elf orga­ni­za­tion.† Mr. Skole-Trusers­son had unfor­tu­nate­ly neglect­ed this com­plete­ly and the result was that the elves had become thor­ough­ly indis­ci­pline.† Instead of attend­ing prop­er­ly to their work, they had tak­en to sit­ting around play­ing video games, brows­ing on the inter­net, drink­ing in the local bars.

As well as neglect­ing their work, many of the elves had fall­en into thor­ough­ly bad pat­terns of behav­ior and when Miss Claus­son arrived she found that the Christ­mas fairies had tak­en to wear­ing trousers to work because most of the elves found it amus­ing to creep up behind the fairies and flip their skirts up and even try to pull their knick­ers down.

Miss Claus­son very quick­ly made a start to whip­ping the oper­a­tion into shape ñ lit­er­al­ly!† She began with a regime of ìsauna, snow and birch.î† This was the old tra­di­tion­al pro­ce­dure for bad elves at the Christ­mas Com­pa­ny.† First a sauna, to ìopen the poresî and then a few min­utes sit­ting in the snow to make the thighs and bot­tom good and sen­si­tive, and then a good sound birching.

Now, Miss Claus­son was a great respecter of tra­di­tion but she was also very aware of the need for mod­ern­iza­tion of tra­di­tion­al prac­tices.† She quick­ly real­ized that due to the com­bi­na­tion of a very large num­ber of elves and the extreme­ly bad behav­ior of so many of them, there was a risk of deforestation.

As a result, she placed an order for a range of tawses from the pre­mier man­u­fac­tur­er in Scot­land (MC Cus­toms, suc­ces­sors to Messrs. Johan Dick of Lochgel­ly.)† She ordered a range of Medi­um, Heavy and X‑H in the two and three tail ver­sions and she also ordered a num­ber of com­pact ver­sions that she could keep in her hand­bag or her apron pocket.

This solved the prob­lem of defor­esta­tion and also made it pos­si­ble for instant ret­ri­bu­tion as there was no longer any need for the time to make a birch when pun­ish­ment was need­ed.† She also quick­ly rec­og­nized that the tra­di­tion­al thick woolen tights and under­pants that were part of the old elf uni­form meant that it took up too much time in prepa­ra­tion when an elf had earned a smack­ing on the bare bottom.

Her MBA stood her in good stead as she solved this prob­lem.† She intro­duced the old Scot­tish method of instant strap­ping on the hands, and rein­forced this by elim­i­nat­ing the thick tights and putting the elves back into short trousers.† This meant that a hard smack­ing round the tops of the legs could be giv­en on the spot with no delay.

The woolen under­pants soon fol­lowed the thick tights into obliv­ion and were replaced by thin nylon knick­ers which pro­vid­ed lit­tle pro­tec­tion when an elf earned a bot­tom warm­ing.† And for those recal­ci­trant elves who per­sist­ed in the ridicu­lous ìgameî of skirt flip­ping and knick­er pulling, well they found them­selves bare from waist down ñ no tights, under­pants or even knickers.

And the final ele­ment of the solu­tion to the elf prob­lem (many elves but only one Miss Claus­son) she solved by insti­tut­ing a ìmon­i­tor sys­temî among the Christ­mas fairies.† She des­ig­nat­ed the senior fairies as Mon­i­tors and pro­vid­ed them with a large and a small strap and the autho­riza­tion to pun­ish the elves.

Of course, for par­tic­u­lar­ly bad behav­ior, an elf would make the lone­ly trek to Miss Claus­sonís office to be dealt with by her.† In fact, it was­nít such a ìlone­ly trekî as each evening after sup­per would see a line of tear­ful elves lined up out­side her office.† And of course, a pro­ces­sion of howl­ing and bawl­ing elves com­ing out of her office.† The fairies used to joke that when Rudolf would retire, then San­ta would be able to guide his sleigh by putting one of the red bot­tomed elves at the front.

And that, of course brings us to San­ta him­self.† Con­trary to com­mon belief, San­ta is not the head of the Christ­mas Cor­po­ra­tion ñ that is the CEO, Miss Claus­son.† ìSan­taî is just a mid­dle man­age­ment func­tionary, although in many ways, the pub­lic face of the operation.

ìSan­taî was new in the job since mid Octo­ber and it was his first job out of uni­ver­si­ty.† He had grad­u­at­ed with a degree in Soci­ol­o­gy from Uni­ver­sitetet for milj¯- og bioviten­skap in Aas.† His name was Michael Ta-Truser-Neds­son, and one may judge his qual­i­ty from the fact that when asked why he chose that uni­ver­si­ty in that place (Aas) his answer was ìI like look­ing at girl­sí bottoms.î

Miss Claus­son was increas­ing­ly con­cerned about Michaelís work eth­ic and gen­er­al approach.† He showed a ten­den­cy to asso­ciate with the least well behaved elves and Miss Claus­son was begin­ning to sus­pect that he got involved in the same kind of non­sense that she had begun to root out among the elves.

He always seemed to be there, look­ing up, when the fairies were doing their fly­ing prac­tices and once or twice Miss Claus­son was almost sure that he was try­ing to see up her skirt.† But she had been patient and giv­en him the ben­e­fit of the doubt.

As we said at the begin­ning ìit was the week before Christ­masî and as a new San­ta, Michael was to go out on a test run with the sleigh and rein­deer.† It was nec­es­sary to famil­iar­ize him­self with the basics of the route to be fol­lowed and prac­tice roof land­ings, and chim­ney descents, and very impor­tant­ly to ensure that the Christ­mas Mag­ic was being effec­tive­ly used so that the occu­pants of the hous­es would not see San­ta or be aware of his visit.

As we also said, Miss Claus­son was read­ing the riot act.† In fact, she was qui­et­ly fum­ing as she wait­ed Michaelís return.† She had a thick bun­dle of pink mes­sage slips that had come in through­out the night.† They were com­plaints called in by house­hold­ers.† Michael seem­ing­ly had not mas­tered the Christ­mas invis­i­bil­i­ty mag­ic, and there were many calls from ladies who had encoun­tered ìSan­taî peek­ing through a bed­room or bath­room window.

Even­tu­al­ly the sleigh appeared, trav­el­ling far too fast and mak­ing a sud­den final turn that knocked the chim­ney off the house.† Miss Claus­son opened her desk draw­er and took out the ìbig strapî ñ the three tail ìre­for­ma­to­ryî mod­el and grim­ly set off to the sleigh garage.

When she got there she was faced with an unsteady Michael, clear­ly full of an excess of Christ­mas Spir­it (not to men­tion Christ­mas wine and beer) and he was clum­si­ly haul­ing a big sack off the back of the sleigh.

Miss Claus­son was tak­en aback as the ìtest runî does not involve deliv­ery of gifts or even involve tak­ing a sack.† She demand­ed to know what it was and was spun a tale about ìOh just things that were lying around that I thought I bet­ter tidy up.î† Miss Claus­son was extreme­ly angry by this stage and boxed his ears sound­ly and pulled the sack away.

The con­tents can be sum­ma­rized in one word — ìknick­er­sî ñ hun­dreds of pairs.† Michael must have emp­tied the knick­er draw­er in every house he visited.

Miss Claus­son looked him right in the eye and in the grimmest imag­in­able tones, she told him:

 

Ta truser nede akku­rat nÂ. Jeg kom­mer til  klaske deg til du ikke kan sitte ned.

(Christ­mas col­ors rep­re­sent­ing Miss Claus­sonís fes­tive mood.)

 

 

Christ­mas Crackers

 

I dropped the two tablets into the glass and watched as it start­ed to fizz.

 

What a night that had been. The office par­ty had real­ly gone with a swing.

 

And here I was, still head of sales and still strug­gling to keep up with Miss Sven­sonís con­stant demands for bet­ter sales fig­ures and new clients.

 

I had man­aged pret­ty well since the first ìmo­ti­va­tion­al train­ingî 14 months ago and† I had been hav­ing month­ly ìmo­ti­va­tion­al­sî on a reg­u­lar basis.

 

But in the last quar­ter the sales had dropped con­sid­er­ably and I had been denied my place over Miss Sven­sonís spank­ing horse for the last two months runningÖ.and boy was I was miss­ing it.

 

I sat day-dream­ing that Miss S would call me up to the pun­ish­ment room just once before we closed down for Christ­mas. That she would pick up her cane andÖ..

 

The phone inter­rupt­ed my fan­ta­sy, I weari­ly (and war­i­ly) picked it up.

 

ìHel­lo, sales depart­ment, how may I help you?î

 

ìHel­lo Kevin, itís Miss Sven­son, I need to see you in my office after work todayî

 

I perked up instant­ly, ìRe­al­ly ! Is it that time of the month again?î

 

ìDonít get too excit­ed Kevin, you are not being invit­ed for a cosy lit­tle spank­ing ses­sion. In fact I have many things that I wish to dis­cuss with youî

 

ìOh† o.k† boss.Ö.Iíll be there around quar­ter past six thenî

 

ìYes and donít be late, I have much to sayî

 

ìYes boss, Iíll be on timeî

 

I put the phone down and con­tem­plat­ed the glass of fizzing water in front of me.

 

Look­ing up at the clock I could see that it was just after 9.30Ö..so about 8 and a half hours until I got my bol­lock­ing from Miss S.

 

Miss S always said ìI have many things that I wish to dis­cuss with youî when you were in for a bollocking.

 

And she always liked to give you LOADS of time to think about it beforehand.

 

Oh crap ! Thatís just what I need­ed to round the day off.

 

 

6.15 arrived and I stood oppo­site Miss Sven­son as she admin­is­tered said bollocking.

 

As the words came thick and fast ìlazyî, ìun­mo­ti­vat­edî, ìneed a kick up the bumî, ìcould­nít† organ­ise a Smor­gas­bor­dÖî (?) Ö..I idly won­dered what the Nor­we­gian word for bol­lock­ing wasÖ.and quick­ly decid­ed that I did­nít real­ly need to know.

 

ìSo what is going on Kevin ! The first four quar­ters since I took over and start­ed your moti­va­tion­al train­ing were excel­lent ñ increased sales and a del­uge of new clients.

 

But this last quar­ter we have lost ground in ways I did­nít think were possibleî

 

Itís Christ­mas in a week and I am going to spend my entire hol­i­day won­der­ing wether I will be return­ing to a race course or a grey­hound !î

 

I loved the way Miss Sven­son got her Eng­lish metaphors mixed up but I decid­ed that now was not the best time to laugh­Öbe­cause she looked furi­ous. Iíd nev­er seen her so angry before and it was incred­i­bly sexyÖbut I thought it was per­haps not the best time to men­tion that either.

 

Beads of sweat were now form­ing on my fore­head ñ despite it being Christ­mas week the weath­er had been incred­i­bly warm and Miss Sven­sonís office was very humid.

 

ìI think we need to insti­gate plan B of the moti­va­tion­al train­ing donít you?î

 

As I had­nít even known there was a Plan B I shrugged my shoul­ders and said ìwhat­ev­er you say bossî

 

ìIs that your response ?! Shrug­ging your shoul­ders and say­ing what­ev­er !?î

 

ìErÖ­sor­ry Boss, if you thinkÖ.î

 

ìsi­lence Kev­inî it was said qui­et­ly but it worked a treat as I shut up instantly.

 

ìIt is Sat­ur­day tomor­row and I am going to give you an address where you will be dealt with in ways that I can­not deal with you here ñ you will report there at 11:30 am, and donít you dare be late !î

 

*********************************

 

So the next morn­ing found me stand­ing out­side a non-descript blue door in a high rise block of flats near to Kil­burn tubeÖ I knocked gen­tly on the door and it swung open.

 

ìHel­lo Kevin !î beamed Ane­mar­ja ìlong time no see, how are you!?î

 

She stood there in a leather cat suit hold­ing a fear­some look­ing cane in her right hand.

 

I was dumb­struck. Ane­mar­ja, long time pro­tÈgÈ of Miss Sven­son, had been sacked five months ear­li­er for mis-con­duct and every­one had been told that she was back in Norway.

 

On one of her first solo ìmo­ti­va­tion­alî ses­sions she had beat­en one of my col­leagues so bad­ly that he had start­ed to bleed quite pro­fuse­ly. And despite his pleas for her to stop she had con­tin­ued to thrash him with a cane, say­ing, ìYou must be pun­ished you naughty, naughty boyÖ!î

 

To hush things up and to avoid legal action, my col­league had been giv­en a large cash sum and we had all been told that Ane­mar­ja had been fired and sent home in disgrace.

 

ìWhat are you doing here Anemarja?î I said ner­vous­ly ì I thought you were back in NorwayÖ.î

 

ìDonít be sil­ly Kevin ñ why would I go to Nor­way when there are so many Eng­lish bot­toms that need my attentionÖ..and guess whoís is next KevinÖî

 

I had also been instru­men­tal in Ane­mar­jaís dis­missal as I had seen my col­league straight after the ses­sion had end­ed, and I had tak­en pho­tos of his injuries for him to use as evidence.

 

I hoped Ane­mar­ja did­nít know thisÖ..

 

From behind her came the san­er voice of Miss Sven­son ìCome in Kevin, we havenít got all dayî

 

As I walked in Miss Sven­son looked at her watch ìYouíre 10 min­utes late Kevin !î

 

ìTut tut KevinÖ.not a good start is it?î Said Ane­mar­ja with a glee­ful look in her eye as she stood flex­ing her cane.

 

ìThe tube took ages, we were stuck in a tun­nel for about 15 minutesî

 

ìEx­cus­es, excus­es, always there are the excusesÖ..î mut­tered Miss Svenson.

 

I stood in front of both of them won­der­ing what was about to hap­pen and not sure that I was going to enjoy it.

 

ìKevinÖ.î Said Miss Sven­son ìYou have become lazy and de-moti­vat­ed in your work and I intend to get you back on the right train track before it leaves the stationî

 

ìAne­mar­ja was indeed sacked but is still assist­ing me to deal with ìhardî cas­es like yours. Peo­ple who show a lot of poten­tial but seem to have real dif­fi­cul­ty in bring­ing that poten­tial out and apply­ing it to their workî

 

ìShe has devel­oped an excep­tion­al can­ing tech­nique and it would be a pity not to make good use of that in my workî

 

ìBoth Ane­mar­ja and myself will be admin­is­ter­ing severe can­ings to you every week from now until your sales fig­ures show a dra­mat­ic improvementî

 

ìIn this way we hope to shock you out of this slump that you have fall­en into and get you right back on the train track before the final whis­tle blowsî

 

ìIf I do not see a dra­mat­ic improve­ment, well, we will just come to that bridge after we cross itî

 

Ane­mar­ja was prepar­ing the bench as Miss Sven­son spoke. I looked over at her. Her face was beam­ing and she was hum­ming Madon­naís ìHanky Spankyî

 

She caught me look­ing at her and said with a huge grin on her face ìnear­ly ready Kevin, you bet­ter get undressed now, thereís a good boy, and I promise you that there are no hid­den cam­eras here KevinÖ.î

 

I gulped and then I walked over to Miss Sven­son, whis­per­ing to her ìBoss, are you sure about this? I mean she looks pos­i­tive­ly manicî

 

ìOf course Kevin, I have made sure that she has tak­en her med­ica­tion today and she is a lot calmer than I have seen her in a long whileî

 

I looked direct­ly at Miss SvensonÖ.îMedication ! what medication?î

 

ìOh noth­ing to wor­ry about Kevin, just some tablets that she needs to take each day in order to keep her on a straight arrowî

 

I thought about this for a minuteÖ.ìDo you mean on the straight and nar­row boss?î

 

ìThatís what I said isnít it Kevin !, now stop delay­ing and get undressed like† Ane­mar­ja has told you toî

 

I looked around for some­where to undress. But it appeared that I was to do so right there in front of the two ladies.

 

As I stripped off, Ane­mar­ja watched me seem­ing­ly with­out blink­ing. She tapped the cane against the side of her leg and she was wear­ing her trade­mark grin.

 

Miss Sven­son was­nít watch­ing at all, instead she was test­ing the weight of a num­ber of canes that were lined up on a rack on the wall ñ like cues in a snook­er club.

 

I had just fin­ished undress­ing when Ane­mar­ja grabbed my right ear painful­ly with her hand ñ ìCome along now Kevin, you are tak­ing too much timeî ñ and dragged me by the ear to the spank­ing bench.

 

As she strapped me down she chat­tered non stop ì I love Christ­mas donít you Kevin? All those coloured lights and dec­o­ra­tionsÖall that music and danceÖall those presentsÖ.what are you get­ting me this year Kevin?Ö..you once promised me a new pad­dle did­nít youÖÖI donít remem­ber you ever giv­ing it to meÖ.thatís naughty Kev­inÖpromis­ing some­thing like that to a girl and then going back on itÖ..I shall have to real­ly teach you a les­son shanít I Kevin Ö.î

 

As she grinned I got an uneasy flash­back to a Bat­man film I had seen recent­ly and with it saw the mani­a­cal face of the Joker.

 

I was get­ting increas­ing­ly ner­vous as final­ly the last strap was in place and I was bound by my ankles, wrists and around my waist to the bench.

 

Then some­thing was put over my low­er back ìto pro­tect your kid­neys Kevin, health and safe­ty rulesÖbut donít wor­ry† ñ I nev­er miss the buttocksÖ..î said Anemarja.

 

ìAnd now Kevin, we have a love­ly sur­prise for youÖ..you can come out now!î

 

I looked up side­ways from the bench and saw enter­ing the room ñ my wife !

 

ìHel­lo dar­ling ñ bet that shook you a bit did­nít it?î she said.

 

I was gob-smacked, I splut­teredÖîwhatÖer howÖerÖ.î

 

ìEl­sa and I have become close friends ever since I start­ed to notice the stripes on your bot­tom ñ I know you tried to hide them but thatís not easy to doî

 

ìSo I won­dered what on earth you had been up to until even­tu­al­ly I decid­ed to ask your boss if she could shed some light on the matterî

 

ìHow longÖ?î I asked nervously.

 

ìÖhave I known? Oh for about 10 months. I was quite hap­py for it to car­ry on because you have been so relaxed since Elsa has been your boss, and you no longer com­plain about how much you hate your job.

 

But then three months ago things start­ed to change did­nít they? And then I also found out about the young woman you have been see­ing, and then I was­nít hap­py with you any­more Kevin, I was­nít hap­py at all. So Elsa and I decid­ed to teach you a les­son that you wonít ever forgetî

 

I gasped ìwhat woman?!î

 

ìDonít insult me by try­ing to deny it Kevin !† ñ I have pho­to­graph­ic proofî

 

Ane­mar­ja said glee­ful­ly ìthose cam­eras eh Kevin? Get us all into trou­ble donít they?î

 

Miss Sven­sonís voice cut in ìAnd now we also know why you have been under-per­form­ing at work Kev­inÖ­too much over-per­form­ing out­side of work!î

 

I looked away and at Ane­mar­ja. She was still grin­ning at me and flex­ing her cane in her hand­sÖÖshe looked direct­ly at me and said ìBoy ! are YOU in trou­ble Kevin !î And shook her head from side to side, tut­ting as she did so.

 

ìErÖlook ladies, letís not do any­thing hasty nowÖ.let me up from here and we can talkî

 

ìYesî said Miss Sven­son ìwe can sit and have a nice long talk after­wards, of course I donít think you will want to be sit­ting down for that dis­cus­sion KevinÖ.î

 

ìSo ladiesî said Miss Sven­son ìwhoís first?î

 

ìFirst!?î I splut­tered ìwhat do you mean first?î

 

ìWell we are all going to pun­ish you Kevin.Your wife because you have been see­ing anoth­er woman. Me because you have been let­ting your work slide and Ane­mar­ja becauseÖ.well just because she wants to I supposeî

 

ìNoth­ing per­son­al Kev­inî grinned Ane­mar­jaÖîI wonít let the fact that you got me sacked affect what I do to you at allÖî

 

I start­ed to strug­gle with the straps on my ankles and wrists and tried to pull myself away from the bench.

 

After about 5 min­utes of this I lay there pant­i­ng and feel­ing defeat­ed. I looked around at the ladies and they were all stand­ing there smiling.

 

ìSo, are you ready now Kevin?î Asked Miss Svenson.

 

As there was no way I could see of get­ting out of there I just said qui­et­ly ìYes bossî

 

ìGood, gag please Ane­mar­jaî said Miss Svenson.

 

ìOhÖ­canít we leave that off for a bit Miss, itís so much more fun if we can hear him beg­ging for mer­cyî plead­ed Anemarja

 

ìGag now please Ane­mar­ja, we donít want the neigh­bours call­ing the police now do we?î

 

ìO.K. Miss SvensonÖ.î Ane­mar­ja replied reluctantly.

 

Ane­mar­ja rough­ly pushed a ball gag into my mouth and strapped it behind my head ñ none to gen­tly either.

 

Then she whis­pered in my earÖ.îwait till you feel how hard I can cane Kevin, I have been prac­tic­ing every day because I do this for a liv­ing nowÖ..î

 

ìNow we are going to do our own ver­sion of the twelve days of ChristmasÖ.î Said Miss Svenson..and she start­ed to sing.

 

ìOn the first day of Christ­mas my true love sent to meÖa Par­tridge in a Pear Treeî

 

The first stroke hit my exposed behind with so much force that I strug­gled to breathe and my eyes lit­er­al­ly start­ed to water.

 

I tried to shout but the gag was far too tight for that.

 

ìOn the sec­ond day of Christ­mas my true love sent to meÖ.

 

ìtwo tur­tle dovesîÖÖ..îwhackî ìWhackî

 

And a par­tridge in a Pear treeÖ..îwhackî

 

You get the pic­ture ñ each verse of that song with the accom­pa­ny­ing num­ber of strokes for each part of the verse.

 

ìFive Gold­en Rings !î ñ whack, whack, whack, whack, whackÖ

 

And they took it in turns ñ first verse Miss Sven­son, then my mis­sus, then Ane­mar­ja, back to† Miss Sven­son Ö..etcÖ.etc until they had gone through the entire song.

 

And on the final verseÖ.îOn the twelfth day of Christ­mas my true love said to meîÖand all of the ladies in uni­son cho­rused ìMer­ry Christ­mas Kevin !î

 

ìWhack!î

ìWhack !î

ìWhack!î

 

All three of them laid into me at onceÖÖ.

 

All I can say isÖ.be care­ful what you wish for.